So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize