I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
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