I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
