So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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