he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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