I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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