i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
