...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
