Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize