I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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