9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
