I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
