I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
