I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Randomize
