So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
