____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
