Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
