Everything about him screamed your future.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
