I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
