I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
