Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
