apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
