piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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