so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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