i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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