It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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