Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Randomize
