So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
