Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
