Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
