hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
