Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
