Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
