the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
God, I missed his penis.
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