I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
The beer is more important than you right now.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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