But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
