Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
