Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
