Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I have aggressive nipples.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
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