i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
