i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
