Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
