so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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