and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
