can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
