thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
