addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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