youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
