ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
