I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
