Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
