youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
