The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize