I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
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