Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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