Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
