dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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